January 30, 2007

The Folly of Youth


Hee Haw... Pickin' and a Grinin'

In my wayward youth, I had this great friend, Lulu. Lulu was a nickname that her father’s rugby-playing buddies gave her when she was a pre-adolescent. There was a corny 1970’s variety sketch show that catered to the Grand Ole Opry crowd called Hee-Haw. Scrap (Lulu’s dad) and his buddies used to tease her and tell her that she looked like Lulu the Fat Lady from Hee Haw and it stuck.

As a point of clarification, Lulu was gorgeous. She had long corn silk blonde hair, deep blue eyes and was stacked like nobody’s business. She had the attitude of a gal being raised by her single, rugby playing father. In short, hanging around with Lulu was always a good time. At 17 years old, it was a dream come true to be able to hang around a bunch of big, sweaty rugby players who let us get away with drinking beer while we had moderately disturbing adolescent fantasies about them.

Often we would spend our weekends in Isla Vista, which is the town that houses the majority of the students and fraternities for the University of California Santa Barbara, drinking beer and mocking frat-boys. It was usually one big street party there on the weekends with crappy keg beer flowing freely. The agreement was always to meet up back at the car if we lost track of each other.

Even at a tender 17 years old, we were both cynical and twisted girls. We were quickly bored by the keg scene and the silly college boys vying for position with the ladies so we made up games to entertain ourselves. The most popular and fun game was “how far”. The challenge was to see which of us could get the furthest with a fella on any given night. (Fathers out there, beware: your daughters would do this, too) It was relatively innocent, because we were floozies, but we did have our limits.

Sure enough, Lulu and I became separated one evening. I started thinking that I was about to win the Hell out of the game. I had come across Rick Galvan and I had no idea where Lulu was, but Rick seemed quite smitten with yours truly so I gave him the time of day.. er.. night. We were fooling around and there was heavy petting aplenty. Things hadn’t been going quite so well for Lulu before I’d lost track of her so I thought I had this one in the bag. Eventually, I pulled the plug on poor Rick (now known as Blue Ball Rick). I could have gone so much further with the fella, but he committed the fatal act which was to push my head toward his nob and it was game over for Blue Ball Rick. I was tired and he had just become tedious. All that was left to do that evening was to wrangle up Lulu and get home before my father flipped out.

Upon arriving back at the car, I saw Lulu in the front seat. Victory was mine since she was alone. Fully prepared to gloat, I hollered her name at which point some random college boy’s head popped up from between her legs that were propped up on the dash board. Apparently, victory was not for me to taste on that night. However, random college boy had a nip at it.

14 comments:

Old Knudsen said...

Weemen are evil, poor Rick's balls are probably bitter by now.

Eddie Waring said...

True fact - I have played rugby at UCSB. Another true fact - In the Dukes of Hazzard, Boss Hogg was married to Rosco P Coltranes fat sister, Lulu. Amazing eh?
I don't think I would like that game very much. I'd play though, just for the hell of it.

Fresh Hell said...

Awwww c'mon Old Knudsen... Don't go projecting your own issues on to poor Rick. For all the things he was, he wasn't smart enough to become bitter.

Wow Eddy! I probably saw you playing rugby at UCSB, especially if it was at the tournament, and had some filthy and impure thoughts. That sheer abundance of testosterone in the gets a red-blooded girl writhing on the inside and swaying her hips on the outside. *patting perspiration of brow*

We'd a let you play and cast you aside like a tool just like the rest of 'em. Is that wrong?

Eddie Waring said...

Not wrong no. Just naughty. I like the cut of your jib young lady. Carry on.

Andraste said...

A story like that, accompanied by a photo from Hee Haw...you are to be congratulated.

Fresh Hell said...

Awww... Shucks, Andraste. Thanks.

Steven Novak said...

Wow...

Now that was an ending! ;)

Steve~

Fresh Hell said...

Steve: Your joy is my joy. Well, in this case it was Lulu's.

mad muthas said...

hope he bumped his head on the steering wheel

Jocelyn said...

So you left a comment on Steven Novak's blog, and it made me laugh. I then came here. And read this. And laughed more, more, more.

But why do you put the hate on Hee Haw, I ask you?

(greattttttttt story, btw)

Fresh Hell said...

Mad Muthas: I hope he did as well. College boys... nothing but slabs of meat I tell ya.

Jocelyn: Don't be mistaken, I have an unnatural affection for Hee Haw. So much so that I made an exodus to Bakersfield, CA to dine at the Buck Owens Crystal Palace. I think I was secretly hoping to have a run-in with Dwight Yoakam, but alas. Just fat farmers and oilfield roughnecks from Bako (that's what native Californians call it). Yeah... my hillbilly ass loves me some kitchy honkey tonkin' and boot shufflin'!

Welcome aboard ladies!

Lambent said...

The amount of times I've ruined a good evening by shoving some poor lasses head towards my knob...I still haven't learnt.

Fresh Hell said...

Lambent... You foolish mortal!

RICH said...

Hee Haw I hated that stupid show. it was the worst.