December 5, 2007

Social Hell

I am not good at the professional mixers/networking cocktail parties. At all. My profession and station in life, however, requires that I attend these types of events regardless of the social anxiety they inflict upon me.


Tonight I had to attend one of these events put on by the Environmental Business Council in downtown Boston. I was excited about going to a party in Town, but I also knew that it would involve a lot of smiling and nodding, talking to strangers as though I was actually interested in what they were blathering on about and swapping business cards. Gah!

When I arrived, my social anxiety kicked into full swing. I immediately sought out the bathroom so that I could escape the din of eager networkers rambling on about the services their companies provide and what new and exciting technologies they are applying in innovative ways too do fuck all to environmental problems. The secondary din was provided compliments of the lawyers. Theirs was a buzz of their own special jargon, discussing rifts and acquisitions and who is litigating who. Blek! By the way, several people at different times through the course of the evening encouraged me to go to law school because I was such a natural.

Oh please!

After escaping the throng of people that could not be traversed without touching someone (that is, shoving them to get past), I found a quiet balcony where I sent the following text message to some of my best mental health anchors. You know in case I went around the bend was hauled away by the white coat army, they can say the warning signs were there.

Social anxiety GAH!
I'm at a business holiday mixer with all the Bostonian environmental movers and shakers and I just want to puke and leave.

Here are the responses I received:

From my favorite hot shot Los Angeles publicist - Down a martini and show off some cleavage
Sound advice for many an uncomfortable situation.

From Sassy Sundry - I think I'm going to need to read about that!
Darlin', your wish is my command.

From Miss M of the 2007 Great Texas Adventure fame - Look for single dudes, or some other gal with a drink who is also bored. God, I hope there are drinks!
There were, but I held out and went for some straight scotch toward the end of the party. I didn't want to get myself juiced enough to get into trouble with the boss man.

I weathered it. It was ok. I sucked up to a client that I'd done a project for when I first moved to the east coast. I met a boy with a very firm grip and has hands that are comparable in size and girth to Andre the Giant's. I have a bonifide crush on him and think that I shall engage in filthy fantasies about him shortly.

G'night, y'all.


Art said...

So you like the guys with large hands, eh? Not sure I understand the fascination with large hands but yours truly has a pretty large pair!

(Hands, people HANDS! Get your minds outta the gutter;)

Fresh Hell said...

I'm more just fascinated by hands in general. Hands make things and can touch you nice or touch you rough. More importantly though, I've shaken hands with fully grown men whose hands were softer than mine and whose grip was soft. Tremendously creepy. I like men to
know how to use tools, better and more often than me, and their hands show it.

dive said...

Ick! You poor thing, Fresh. Those events suck huge ass.
One of the only advantages of my long-distance commute is that I can successfully evade all evening functions.
Enjoy your filthy fantasies.

Scout said...

So there was a bright side--will you see big-hand boy again, or was he a lawyer?

Fresh Hell said...

Dive~ In some instances a long commute is a blessing. Good fantasies they were, my friend. Good indeed.

Scout~ Not a lawyer, an environmental consultant from a competitor company. A colleague of mine and I tried to recruit him into the womens' environmental profession organization that we are on the board of. So perhaps there would be another sighting.

He's tall. *sigh*

AliBlahBlah said...

If there were ever a back-handed compliment it has to be 'I think you'd make a great lawyer'!

Glad you managed to weather the event and did not resort to getting totally plastered. You truly are a professional.

Andraste said...

Those situations are so uncomfortable for me, I'd have gotten 'faced really early and been the life of the party for about 10 minutes before becoming an embarrassment.

You win!

Hey, just checked out Franco's on Moody Street.

Hammered, m'dear. Me Likey.