September 21, 2007

From My Inbox

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up.

Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step...I joined the Republican Party.

Heh... It made me laugh.


Andraste said...

Wait...Porky's isn't educational? Next you'll tell me Slapshot is fictional!

Have great weekend, Hell Minion. Possible drinking opportunity next week with's all coming together!

Art said...

LOL - that is great ;)

dive said...

Oh hee hee and hee again, Fresh.
This was funny until the last line, then it became fucking hilarious and I fell off my stupid chair laughing.

Fresh Hell said...

Andraste~ you’ve got a point. Never would I malign the great cinematic mastery which is Slap Shot. I have an unnatural crush on the Hanson Brothers. Why can't my taste in men take me straight to the obvious? Paul Newman's good looks aren't quite real enough.

Art~ ain’t it, though?!

Dive~ it’s not every often that something I read makes me chortle out loud. Glad to pass the giggles around the globe.

Kate Isis said...

Actually hun thats exactly what i needed to read right now. Thats who I am, the thinker who thinks themselves into fuckedupness.
I'm off to join thinkers anonymous. xoxoxox

savannah said...

well done, sugar! this monday is doing much better now!

Enrique said...

Thinkers Anonymous? Too much! Maybe we should start a new chapter in Finland?

Fresh Hell said...

Kate~ don't we all think ourselves into fuckedupness from time to time? x

Perhaps the blog world is Thinkers Anonymous.

Sav~ I'm glad I was able to provide a ray of sunshine on your Monday. You are certainly due for the clouds to part and have beams of kind light cascading upon you. x

Enrique~ Thanks for coming around again! I heard that there was a thinking problem going on in Finland. hmmm.

Katherine Mercurio Gotthardt said...

Visiting your place for the first time, Hell! Love it! And I also got sent the thinker email. It happens to bloggers. People assume we're some kind of geeks. Sometimes, in my case at least, they are right : )

Mary Helen said...

mwa ha ha ! I love this.