May 3, 2007

Bullet Dodged...

A few weeks ago, I was being courted by a fella, I'll go ahead and call him Frank. No... Francis... Because he was as lame as you would expect a fully grown man named Francis to be. So we met and were having a lively series of email exchanges leading up to what would be our first date. So in the process of all this, I managed to come down with a fierce head cold that was proving to be an impediment to our first date.

So I sent him this email:

Hey Francis,

Not a lot is new on my end except that I'm sick as a dog. Coughing, sneezing, snot everywhere. It's not so glamorous to be me right now. Feel free to call or email, but I'm afraid I'm not really up for fun and shenanigans.

To which he responded (and I've not edited his text) after several days:

H Fresh Hell
are you better, your last e-mail you didn't seem to horny, I expect you are feeling well now.?
What to talk/

Ok... so WTF?! Umm... I'm easy... but not that easy. So I told him as much because I'm like that. And I told him that if he wanted to talk or email me that would be fine and no hard feelings if he didn't. After a couple of weeks Francis sends me the following response:

Hi I was looking forward to talking with you again, or meeting for coffee. But I never agreed I would have sex with you, I think you presumed I would want to have sex with you, you really haven't shown me much, so no way was I thinking that. Perhaps if you impressed me, then maybe, I have 2 grad degrees, I know you have this intellectual superiority attitude, but believe me, it is not based in fact.

Ok, two graduate degrees and for the record, he claims to be a writer... of screenplays?!!! And an ability to occasionally complete a sentence renders me an intellectually superior sort? Since when?

I wonder if he seriously thinks that his charms will get him a visit to Happy Canyon. Yup... he's a champion. And here is a picture of the most recent bullet dodged:

Fuck him... He's a loser and a tool.


Troika said...

Anyone with two grad degrees is a complete and utter cunt.

Those people with two grad degrees who tell you they have two grad degrees are complete and utter sulphurous cunts.

What's his email address? I want to insult the fucker.

Mind you, he did have a point though, head cold and all that. Not good for gob jobs. I probably would have said the same thing.

And BTW, I have THREE degrees, so you can all fuck off.

Art said...

I this for real??? What a pimple on the ass of mankind. Wait... a crab on the pimple... no, a herp virus on a crab which is crawling on a festering pimple on the smelly side of the ugly part of the overweight ass of the worst part of mankind.

You deserve better than this loser!

ellie said...

Keep dodging those bullets! There are a lot of them out there.
There is actually a good storyline in that, shameless hussy throws herself at educated man, he knocks back her advances she falls into a deep depression, he comes along on his white steed and whisks her off to Happy Ever After. BTW did I ever tell you that I write screenplays? ;)

Fresh Hell said...

Troika: Tempted to actually give you his email... You actually do happen to have a way with words... unlike Francis.

Really? THREE degrees? [swooning and sighing]

Art: Sad to say, it's a true story. Unfortunately, I never told him about my blog so he isn't likely to ever see this. And I'm soooo not about to initiate contact with that knucklehead.

Ellie: Lovely of you to visit my sick dark world. Do you reckon that if I take a spin in a deep dark depression I might get another chance with him? The white steed part of your screenplay is really enticing. That's it... I'm starting to pout. I'll get the man before autumn!! Then I'll be referred to as Mrs. Tool. Imagine the biss yet to come...

Andraste said...

So this guy with two grad degrees interpreted 'fun and shenanigans' in your e-mail as 'sex.'? And then actually used the word 'horny' with the wrong form of 'too.' And then back-pedaled to cover himself when you called him out on his obvious error.

What a silly, stupid person this Francis is. Also?, very probably insane.

Thanks for posting the picture. I'll kneecap him if I ever see him...

Fresh Hell said...

Andraste: It kills me that he waited two weeks to throw down with his cutting response. Sure, if he wanted to beat me up in the written word, fantastic. But what manner of dim fucker would try to level me (an intellectual superior, mind you) with nonsensical poorly composed impotent prattle?! Sheesh!

Thanks for the support. Aim high, he's 6'4".

Eddie Waring said...

That looks like a wig, see how he is holding it in place? The soft twat.
Troika may have three degrees but notice how he doesn't say what they are?
I don't have any degrees 'cause I left school when I was 16 and got a job. I'm 6'3" and am not only smarter than Francis but could also knock seven colours of shit out of him.
By the way, since we are discussing pictures of arses, there is one of mine on MJ's blog if you would like to see it.

Fresh Hell said...

Eddie: Hell, I'm only 5'8" and I could disloge several colors of crap from his posterior without raising a blush (It helps to be vicious and cruel).

Nice rump! I'm really more of a leg girl, but fuzz and all... yours is worth a second look...

And speaking of arses, that reminds me of another true story...

Rich said...

Looks like you lost another good one there.

Not all guys are like him... some are worse.

Jocelyn said...

I can't even tell you how glad I am that you posted his picture.

Tickled pink right now. That's me.

Fresh Hell said...

Rich: I've met a couple of men who are worse than this guy. So far, I've been better at dodgin bullets than getting hit.

Jocelyn: Yeah, I though that posting the picture was inappropriate and uncouth...and that was good enough for me.

Fresh Hell said...

Rich: I've met a couple of men who are worse than this guy. So far, I've been better at dodgin bullets than getting hit.

Jocelyn: Yeah, I though that posting the picture was inappropriate and uncouth...and that was good enough for me.

Fresh Hell said...